And just like that these past 5-6 months are over like the foreshadowed read (back in the fall/early new year imported into your tech baby) warned me about. The read that mentioned such a life chapter with another individual being like a cab ride 5-6 blocks and then saying Thank You and Moving On.
The parts that hurt deeply are having individuals who warned me about you and saying this is how we would end. I didn’t believe it. I spoke up. I defended you. I whole-heartedly believed we could rewrite this narrative and after all is said and done the Truth that they were right leaves me feeling depleted.
It hurts that there is no logical explanation of what has happened and changed. Supposedly we are/were friends but getting defensive when I call to talk peacefully in the middle of the night is not what my other friends and I share. We don’t have a constant need to call in the middle of the night so when it does happen I take it seriously; no questions asked. That is what friends do. It is clear by your cold reaction you don’t see us as that and so I can’t rely on you. Not as lover nor friend anymore. I don’t know what constitutes an emergency with you if there ever was one and I was lying at death’s door or being threatened. I know now you aren’t a friend I can rely on. This isn’t a friendship. It is just a cold, keep-me-at-arms-length from any deep connection acquaintance…and I am at peace with this because now I know and see clearly. I was lost and confused for the past month or so mainly due to lack of work (which I fixed thanks Incredibly to you) and not understanding the shift projecting from you “I Need Space. Release me.” and then immediately right after that “but we can talk when I return.” Now i see clearer after last night. I am not a game piece for you to shove away and pull close at your every whim.
That old adage be careful what you wish for rings true. I wished for this kind of connection with someone for soooo long before we first met. I was so excited and carefree and had finally manifested a lover who didn’t want to Cage me; nor I them. It is everything I imagined being open could be… and then stuff started to sour. Inexplicably. To this day it feels supernatural in nature. Like a gust of dark arts magic in a fairytale meant to write what could’ve been a revolutionary narrative into just another narrative cliche. The cold nature from you suddenly is what is the hardest to grapple with and the lack of explanation.
Friends hang out with friends. We don’t. Lovers (even open ones; non-exclusive) go on fun dates and cuddle and it doesn’t always have to be about sex. Not us. It never had to be just about sex for me; though I find you Remarkably Perfectly Imperfect physically despite your self-esteem issues regarding your body which you would express in the hot tub. You’re perfect as you are. I will never forget how effortless and dance-like our second sexual experience together unfolded. We read each other so precisely on a whole other level like a well-choreographed ballet. Ah, ballet…your body as poetry-in-motion…on YouTube (love at first sight) and IRL on stage with sheets, pillows, sweat, You…
Everything I dreamed being open could be has come to bite me in the ass recently. Perplexingly so.
I deserve better (“We get the love we think we deserve” – Perks of Being A Wallflower). You deserve better than what you are allowing. My heart and soul and spirit are not games for you; this Love isn’t shallow (“I’m in the deep end; watch as I dive in…”) nor fickle nor just surface platitudes. My Love Is Patient, Kind, etc.
I wish the tenets you hold so core to your beloved tech baby and life in general applied to us. Speaking True-True it feels like they don’t and never have in relation to us. Even intimately…you say we were Slow. Not true. Sex rush from the start. I wanted to sit with you. Meditate with you. Yoga with you. Tantra with you. In reality it was 0-60 sex with you.
In closing, I still believe in you. Always. This will never change nor fade. As an invisible face in a crowd of least importance to you I will still be a cheering you on and celebrating your victories. Just a hidden nobody.
I don’t type this furiously. I type this calmly with a bittersweet strange fruit dangling on the inside… I hold no ill will. I still believe in your tech baby and your present and future as an accomplished writer; You Already Are. Your blogs online read as Classic to me. Life-changing. I will join the crowds I lining up for any of your published works.
After this writing session on this early Saturday morning I will bring no more baggage to the table regarding the closure of our story as lovers and friends (though I do imagine writing about you more fondly; in hindsight).
and thus, We will remain community members; both online and irl and that will simply be; cordially.
Please treat other lovers and friends better. Treat your former lovers (who still exist in more significant communicative roles than I ever have nor will) and existing ones better than you have me.
I quickly halt my mental wheel from doing this; but in moments I have deep concern for your safety if you continue to treat future lovers in such ways; if you got involved with a bad apple with depleted or lack of kindness, calmness, peace, gratitude I worry about the ways that could affect you. Be careful sleeping around with so many. When I invisioned Open I didn’t anticipate a lover who needed to sleep around quite so much. No judgement; just that old adage of be careful what you wish for once again.
You brought so much into my life. It is hard to let you go and yet I feel adequate in doing so at the close of this. I will miss your kisses and compatible body and that silly glorious Buddha grin I adore when you are content after a satisfying sexual session. I will miss your tickling me and the few memorable date nights we shared. I will miss your amazing property; your visitors are in for such a treat this summer and beyond. I will miss your lightness and the fun lilt in your voice when you are excited/anxious and your terms of endearment. Speaking True-True; I’ve never known anyone like you and hoped this would extend longer.
I officially close the door on our physical and emotional cab ride. With the slight *thump* as it closes and I turn towards manifesting the next Friend & Lover; I officially relegate our diminishing ember of connection to the invisible; pretend-we-don’t-really-know-one-another online fake ness and the brief moments I will see your bright sunshine driving by in town no longer making my heart swell. If we cross paths at the Farmers Market with new lovers we will nod and understand without jealousy nor envy; just a simple acceptance that this is the way our cookie crumbled.
and now with a final tear down my cheek…
and all the past 5-6 months simply
now vapor; Now Transformed; Now Let Go; Now moving on.
I Love you, Cowboy Like Me. Always – now say it with me in unison –
“Forever Is The Sweetest Con”