I still imagine you surprising me

I still imagine you surprising me; even though you hate surprises.

Every time the back porch light is tripped by a night animal outside my bare window I am a fool and imagine you have come to your senses and decided to visit spontaneously. For a cuddle or a Makeout sesh.

The other morning I heard a truck door slam and ran to the window in anticipation of the bright yellow that always swells my heart with glee.

Tonight I was walking home and just as a skunk startled me (and thankfully did not spray me)…I heard music coming from the plaza.

I imagined you there…dancing. And why haven’t we danced together yet?

I will never forget the first time I brought you a warm mushroom beverage that cold night you danced in the plaza and asked me not to sit too close ‘cause you would get nervous….so I dropped of the cup near you and walked a distance away and began doodling your dancing body as an esoteric tai chi-sequence figure and sketched your agility and your t-shirt as a swirl into a center star.

Tonight when I heard the music I walked into the house and immediately walked back out and headed to the plaza. I foolishly imagined you there. I am always disappointed.

I remember you mentioning dancing with Christmas lights under a full moon recently. God, how I wish I could have joined you.

I foolishly imagine you and I as the gay version of dirty dancing. After all, you call me bb…and Baby is Jennifer Grey’s character. “Nobody puts bb in a corner.” The classic film quote.

So I headed to the Plaza and it was quiet and you, obviously, weren’t there. So I planned to walk the perimeter of the square and then walk back home…

but then I heard the outdoor sounds again and followed them to discover Wumaniti, one of the the local marijuana dispensaries, having an outdoor event- a Veggie-Q with an outdoor dj and outdoor fire dancers. And I immediately needed to join the dance floor.

why do I always feel lonely out on the dance floor? Why couldn’t you have been there to make me feel less alone?

the moment I started dancing the fire dancers stopped and I felt alone… and naked…out on the dance floor. I didn’t want attention I just wanted to dance… all Gay and Shit.

the fire dancers join a bit, but there is no major connection. I feel the most connection with the Native dj…and much like the Robyn song I Just focus on Dancing on my Own.

The dj stops with a remix of Coldplay’s Adventure of a Lifetime which gets me all excited and then the shutdown is anti-climactic.

I walk away with prayer hands to my heart in gratitude and I am glad I danced; I needed it…yet I still feel terribly alone.

my god, what have you done to me? What have I done to deserve your silence? Will you really reach out to me when you return? Are we even friends? I have never had a friendship where I didn’t actually hang with the friend.

I am so confused. I feel so much for you. I am such a huge cheerleader for your gifts and talents. I want to be a significant part of your life but not The Center.

i don’t want to possess nor smother you yet I love you.

I have never felt Home with another person like you; not even my two past significant loves.

Will I hear from you again? Are you going to abandon me? Will we ever dance together? I feel there are soooo many glorious chapters yet to be written in our book as friends and lovers and I am just so flabbergasted by how the past month has transpired.

I have so many wonderful memories of the past six months and I hope we have more to write. I fuckin’ hope we are not ending during this strange chapter.

I want so much for you to succeed as writer and entrepreneur. I want to meet the people who mean so much to you and celebrate your glorious existence with each of them.

I still imagine you surprising me; even though you hate surprises.

I can’t fucking wait to share a patch of green grass as a dance floor with you.

Please assure me our fun together isn’t over yet. In so many ways we only just begun…

and I fuckin’ defended you and our love in the face of those who tried to say we weren’t right together. Fuck that. What do traditional couples know anyway?

I still imagine you surprising me; even though you hate surprises.

You make life better… as friend or lover…sharing stories, touch, kiss, etc.

you make life better.

for fuck’s sake please surprise me.

I miss you

because you are an inspiration, a motivation and a helluva remarkable friend and lover.